


Lightning's Pack

by Foodmoon



Series: Oddball fics [20]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Divergence, Fluff, Gen, Kakashi is part raiju, Which is zero surprise if you've ever read anything of mine before, tags to be added later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2019-10-06 11:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17344742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: Lightning is one of the most powerful and unpredictable forces in nature. How would history have changed if the Hatake clan were descended from a pack of raiju, drawn to earth by Zetsu's lurking presence but unable to find their quarry?ORHow the Hatakes began and where Kakashi got Pakkun, etc.





	1. Origins of the Hatake Pack

**Author's Note:**

> _Arrrgh! Just...just... (chases around the cackling muse with a butcher knife and an unamused expression)_  
>  I wrote a scene on the next chapter of Sensor's Fate, then the muse tugged me over and I wrote the first scene for the next chapter of Kakashi and the Accidental Reality Rewrite. _And then_ I came up with the lightning on the hill scene idea and the vague _'what if Hatakes were raiju descended?'_ plausit before bed and fell asleep shortly after. But ok, I'm capable of holding off on new ideas until I finish up what I'm working on and it was pretty vague still anyways.  
>  _Except,_ you will not _believe,_ but I was woken this morning by a sound much like a transformer on powerlines trying to overload, but louder; loud enough that the vibrations were strong enough to feel and the neighbor's dog was barking its head off and it just kept going until I got up and looked outside on all sides of the house and finally it started fading off. _(Apparently my mother heard it at work too, says it has something to do with a persistent water leak that's been flooding a couple roads.)_ Eerie af, and so oddly coincidental that it got stuck in my head. And then Sectordweller said it was a cool idea, so... Yup. This is why you have yet another gratuitous fic from me.

_Some time after the Ōtsutsuki clan splinters into multiple clans, somewhat prior to the Warring Clans Era…_

Lightning strikes the top of a knoll and crawls over it eerily, coating it with a crackling, searing hum-whine for an eternity, time stretching endlessly, a mere moment, then the lightning gathers itself into rough balls, gaining definition, shaping itself. Then a pack, of what appears to be white wolves with pale, pale blue eyes, stands on the scorched knoll.

It is not the first nor the last time a raiju has fallen to earth, but packs are rare. Canine-like they may be, but they are not wolves, not really. Creatures who roam the sky and ride the storms and strike down evil souls. Justice with fangs and the sear of unfathomable heat and the rumble of thunder. As much a force of nature as the artificially created bijuu, those born in desperation of a moment to save the world from a parasite and an alien princess gone mad in sorrow and rage. Raiju have roamed the earth and skies since before life truly began. Immortal, ephemeral, mutable, intelligent as humankind and summons, and just as capable of emotion.

Curiosity has brought this pack to earth. Curiosity and the nagging cry of the land that something tainted lurks there. Maybe raiju don’t have the sheer power of a bijuu, maybe they weren’t able to destroy the parasitic tree, but a single raiju carries the awesome might of a storm and a pack of them is a formidable foe indeed.

~

_Unknown amount of time later…_

His daughter’s scream brings him running to find her cowering before a pack of large white wolves. He’s a mere farmer, not one of those killers who have taken up turning their chakra into weapons and hiring themselves out for pay, but he can do an earth wall with the best of them. Earthen walls are _useful_. The lead wolf crashes into the wall with a force that shudders and cracks it, sending dirt flying from the point of impact.

_Not good._

He throws himself forwards, forgotten hoe snatched from his daughter’s hands, putting himself between them and his daughter, his baby girl.

The lead wolf picks itself up, shakes itself, and curls its lips at him in a soundless snarl, eyes glinting eerily blue-white.

“I don’t care how uncanny you are! I’m not letting wolves kill my daughter!”

Surprisingly, the wolf’s snarl relaxes and it tips its head in apparent curiosity. Then there is a crack of sound and light that has him seeing stars and afterimages and black spots, and there’s a pale-skinned man with white hair and almost-white eyes standing in the wolf’s place.

“She is your pup?” The man asks, his voice a rumble like the growl of thunder.

“Yes!”

“We are not wolves, but we hunger.”

“Well, you can’t eat her!”

The not-wolf, not-man gives a crackle of laughter.  “We will not eat your pup.”

_Then what…?_

His daughter tugs slightly on the back of his shirt. Her voice trembles as she reminds him, “Ch-Chichi-ue, w-we have s-some of that leftover stew.”

“I…” He clears his throat harshly. “Would you like to share our food?”

He doesn’t know it, but this moment marks a change in history, marks the birth of a humble yet powerful clan who in time will become a small clan of fearsome ninjas, who will give birth to a skinny, dark-eyed boy child with wild white hair and an affinity for lightning. He doesn’t know it yet, but this moment with the man-wolf with the eerie eyes and too-sharp teeth is the first time he invites his future son-in-law to eat with them, the first time he takes a step towards accepting that the uncanny wolves are kith and kin.

The pale, naked man tilts his head consideringly, a motion eerily similar to that he’d made as a wolf, then nods. “We would like that. We have not yet tried human foods.”

~

_Kakashi, age 7…_

A whining whizzing sound barely precedes the explosion as lightning streaks from the sky to meet the lightning on his hand, and throws him back several feet. After a moment of stunned silence, he moans and stirs, thinking that maybe he should have refrained from practicing his lightning jutsu while there was sheet lightning rumbling through the clouds.

“I heard there was a human kin pack running around, but I thought they were all dead by now.”

Kakashi’s eyes pop open and he finds himself face to face with a…smallish vaguely dog-like creature that no one would _ever_ mistake for a true canine. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, I see. You’re still a pup, aren’t you? Are you the last of your pack?”

“Wha-? No, I- …Yes.” Kakashi wishes his head didn’t hurt. “I’m the last Hatake, if that’s what you mean. All they found of my father was his tanto, too much blood, and a scorch mark. I’m not a kid though. See? I’ve got a hitai-ate; that means I’m an adult. I’m a _chunin.”_

The…dog-thing sighs. “That doesn’t mean you aren’t a pup. Half-grown pups can be good hunters. I suppose I’ll have to stay here. It’s not good for human pups to be without packs.”

Kakashi gapes at it…him. He doesn’t know what to make of a lightning creature just up and deciding that he needs to be taken care of. _Is he hallucinating?_ Finally, he blurts, “You don’t look anything like a dog!”

“Dog, hm?” The dog thing cocks his head, then flashes so brightly that he flinches from the glow. When the glow dies away, there is a small, brown, wrinkly dog standing there. “Will this do? How about my paw?”

He sputters as the paw is shoved against his mouth, pushes the maybe-dog away gently, and offers lamely, “Soft?”

The dog nods. “Good. I want one of those shiny things, though, so people know we’re pack now.”

_Pack._

“Er…okay? Um. What’s your name? I’m Kakashi Hatake.”

“Name? I don’t think humans could pronounce *#~*#*#*^^*#. Why don’t you give me a human name to go by, pup?”

Kakashi stares, because the lightning dog is definitely correct. Somehow he _understands_ how to pronounce what amounts to the sound of a low crack of thunder, but he’s quite certain that he’ll never be able to wrap his vocal chords around the sound correctly. Even if others _did_ understand it, it would be too weird as a name.

_Pack. He has pack now._

“A pack.” He finally says aloud. _A little pack, and kami but the lightning dog is small, but…_ “Pakkun.”

“Pakkun? Right. Whatever you say, boss.”

 _He hadn’t meant it as a name._ “Boss?”

“Well, sure, pup. I’m joining your pack, not taking it over. Even with all that human in you, there’s a lot of lightning in you. More than I’ve got. So you’re boss.”

Kakashi’s never been boss of anyone before. _Technically_ he has authority over Obito and Rin, but it’s not as if either of them really listen to him. Maybe Pakkun isn’t so bad as a pack member, even if he is kind of odd and bossy. _And weird looking._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...interesting thing. If you separate the characters in Pakkun, Google Translate claims it means 'a pack'. Go figure.  
> Chichi-ue is a more formal version of tou-san, and specifically refers to one's own father, unlike tou-san which can refer to other people's fathers as well.  
> I have no idea when or if I'll add to this, because I have those two unfinished chapters open, and a third unfinished one saved because the muse fucked off for vacation after the first couple scenes, but I'll leave it marked unfinished for the moment, just in case.
> 
> A little world building: The Hatake don't usually actually die. Most of them just turn into raiju when mortally injured or really old. Thus why Sakumo's body wasn't found.  
> Unlike Kakashi, most Hatake don't play with lightning, despite having white chakra, thus why most of their instinctual knowledge remains buried under their human instincts, other than the change to being raiju.  
> 'Raiju' is the sound reading of the word, which can be written in kanji as 'thunder' (usually read as 'thunder beast/animal', but interestingly if you delete the space between the two kanji, it's read as 'rainbow') or in hiragana as 'rainy season'. Or at least as far as I can tell via wikipedia and google translate.


	2. Pakkun and Tora(s)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pakkun meets Obito and Minato.  
> Kakashi reflects on his teammates and the Toras.  
> Why the Hokage has the mission desk refuse to give Team 7 the Tora mission.  
> OR  
> Yeah right, raiju don't exist, Bakakashi! (and) Raiton is _not for subduing civilian cats, Bakakashi!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (grumbles) Those chapters are writing _really damn slow_ , so have another one on this fic instead.

Obito glowers at Kakashi. “What the hell, Bakakashi? Why are you later than me? And whose dog did you steal?”

“Boss, is he pack?” Pakkun asks, staring intently at Obito’s hitai-ate.

“Errr…” Kakashi remembers belatedly that Pakkun seems to think hitai-ates are a pack symbol. “Sort of, I guess? Hitai-ates are for ninjas, and the ones with leaves are for Konoha. Um, this village. Obito’s not a Hatake, but we’re on the same team, under the same sensei.”

The Uchiha squawks at being ignored. “You got a summons? How!?”

Kakashi and Pakkun exchange a look, then Pakkun replies calmly, “I’m not a summons, I’m a raiju. Boss is a human raiju, so he needs a pack.”

Obito gapes at Pakkun. “What? Just because he has a lightning affinity? ‘Raiju’, that’s funny. Raiju are wolves! I mean, if they even exist!”

Pakkun sighs. “I see why you say ‘sort of’. I still want one of those shiny things and something to mark us as pack, though.”

“Well, I have to ask sensei about the hitai-ate.” Kakashi cautions.

“Ask me about what?”

“A hitai-ate for Pakkun, Minato-sensei.” Kakashi points to the little dog at his feet.

“Pakkun? Oh. You got a summons, Kakashi? I didn’t realize your family had a summoning scroll.”

Kakashi scowls. “We don’t.”

“I prefer ‘raiju’, actually.” Pakkun tells the blond man.

Curiosity lights the blue eyes. “Raiju? I thought all your kind were wolves.”

Pakkun shrugs, a strange motion for a dog. “I could, but boss wanted a dog. This is cuter anyways, right? Do you want to feel my paw? It’s soft. Boss said so.”

Minato crouches down and takes the proffered paw gently. “He’s right. It’s extremely soft. I’m surprised you thought of it.”

“Well, human pups need soft things, right?” Pakkun stage whispers.

“Ah, you’re right. Absolutely right.” Minato stage whispers back. “Good thinking!”

“Sensei! Don’t tell me you believe him!?” Obito squawks. “That-That little dog can’t be a raiju! Bakakashi is just getting him to mess with me!”

Minato sighs. “Obito, of course I do. There’s no reason for a summons to claim to be a raiju, and raiju are as real as the tailed beasts are. I realize Kakashi’s not the best at teamwork, but you need to quit assuming that he’s out to get you.”

Kakashi looks around, deciding to ignore Obito’s dramatics as usual. “Where’s Rin?”

“The hospital asked her to do extra shifts this week. As for you two, we have an important D rank.”

Obito switches from sputtering over the reprimand, something about how _‘Bakakashi is so out to get me!’_ , to gleeful bouncing. “We get to catch Tora again!”

He gives him a flat stare, because _that cat._ Or cats, to be precise. Turning to Minato-sensei again, he asks, “Is it still the one we replaced the one that hid in the Forest of Death with?”

“Um, no.” Minato shakes his head. “I think one of the Inuzuka ninken accidentally got that one when it ran under its nose. I think this is the…uh, third? one since then.”

“Second!” Obito proclaims happily.

Kakashi groans a little. “Well, at least our team usually manages to get the same cat back to her, I guess.”

Minato grins at them. “While you do that, I’ll take Pakkun over and get him a hitai-ate.”

He pouts when Pakkun promptly jumps up on Minato-sensei’s shoulder. **_He_** _was going to do that! Well, fine, now he’ll just have to be sure to get something that marks Pakkun as **his** pack._

Pakkun gives him an amused look. “Good luck, boss. I hear cats are mean critters.”

_Any cat that has been in the Daimyo’s wife’s care for more than three days certainly is!_

“Stop grousing, Bakakashi, this’ll be fun!”

 _Should he be concerned about Obito’s sanity given his eagerness to hunt down a terrified animal and return it to the owner who inspired that terror?_ He ponders for a moment then decides it’s not worth the effort. No one ever said Uchihas were sane to begin with and Obito probably has an ineradicable mental association with helping little old ladies when it comes to finding cats. “Whatever, dobe. Why don’t you take point, since you have goggles to protect your eyes?”

“Hah! You’re just scared of cats! Don’t worry, Bakakashi, I can do it, just back me up properly for once.”

_Well, he’s certainly scared of the one that lives in the Forest of Death now. He saw it licking its paws over its kill last week when he took a C rank gathering herbs in there. That giant leech was a good 8 meters long and the cat itself maybe 20 lbs at best. There’s **no way** that thing **didn’t** have some nineko or summons in its bloodline._

Although backing Obito is easy enough. Not that the klutz will ever admit that Kakashi is superior in support when there’s value in it. He’s got some weird fixation against excellence, and the only time he ever _listens_ to him is when Kakashi leads from behind and lets him take point. Kakashi has nothing against his teammates, but _kami_ they try his patience. _Bad at teamwork? Tch. He wouldn’t have made chunin if he was ‘bad at teamwork’. There’s more than one reason the dobe and the fangirl are still genin._ They work together fine, but there’s always friction when it comes to him. Rin’s good at pretending, but when it comes down to it, Obito’s her best friend, and Kakashi is just the boy she has a fangirl crush on.

Obito whinges about how badly his family treats him, and Rin complains about how kunoichi are discriminated against. Both of them act like he can’t possibly understand. At least Obito still _has_ relatives, they both do, and neither of _them_ have ever been shunned by most of the village for over a year. No one ever spits on the ground when they see _Obito_. No one ever corners _Rin_ thinking they can pressure her into weird things, assuming that she’ll give in because she’s a child with no one left to support her. They make no effort to understand _him,_ and it grates. No, they aren’t pack… _but they’re supposed to be._

Well, he’s perfectly content to let Obito deal with the Seishitsu’s hopefully-somewhat-still-sane cat and the resultant claw marks. _At least, as long as it doesn’t start attacking with chakra. If it does, he’s going to raiton its ass and hope it survives, because as irritating as the dobe is, at least he doesn’t look down on Kakashi for being a Hatake, and he’d rather not see who they decide on to take his place if he has to be replaced._

~

A few hours later, a beaming Obito, fresh scratches on his face still oozing blood, hands over a faintly twitching Tora over to the Seishitsu, the Daimyo’s wife. Beside him, Kakashi picks at imaginary lint on his clothes, letting the Uchiha have the rather questionable spotlight while the Seishitsu gushes over Tora, squeezing it until the poor thing’s eyes threaten to pop out. _Not that he cares._

As soon as they’re out of sight and earshot, Obito’s grin turns to a scowl. “Next time don’t raiton the cat! You could have killed it!”

Kakashi sighs.

“No it was _not using chakra! For the last time!_ Get it through your head, Bakakashi, civilian cats _do not use chakra!”_

 _He’s not going to dignify that with a response._ “Let’s go see Rin, dobe. You’re still bleeding.”

~

It is nearly three full weeks before the current Tora resorts to running away again, a record that will stand for several years thereafter.

~

_Incidentally, Minato’s Team 7 is never assigned to catch Tora again after that. It somehow manages to mysteriously be ‘taken’ if Minato requested it, even if a couple times it is handed out to the team directly after them, much to Minato’s puzzlement. He doesn’t find out why Obito blames Kakashi for the phenomenon until after Obito and Rin manage to pass the chunin exams._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pakkun can speak human because brains function on electrical pulses, so he can kind of passively pick up language at need, being as raiju are creatures of lightning, which is basically condensed electricity.
> 
> As to there being multiple Toras, in canon, Tora is shown with two or three different stripe patterns throughout the story. And it's unrealistic that a cat would still be demonically energetic in its 20s anyways. So I figure that it's regularly replaced with a similar looking tabby every time it can't be found or if it accidentally gets killed or crippled by the genin team retrieving it.  
> Seishitsu was the title for a Daimyo's main or legal wife in the Edo era. Most Daimyos also had a number of concubine 'wives' to ensure heirs.


	3. Gossip, Missing Child, Cats, and Misuse of Sarcasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi somehow acquires cats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to the17thmuse for the hypothesis behind the postmortem rumors about Sakumo.  
> Credit to Sectordweller for helping me work out that Sakumo was actually murdered in this AU, instead of committing suicide.  
> Credit to Gabranth for choosing a fluff ending for this chapter instead of angstier stuff.

“…say he was going feral from the shame and committed suicide so he wouldn’t turn on his own son.” There’s an edge of disgusted glee to the words that makes it clear that the speaker is enjoying being malicious and pretending to be innocent of the matter.

Kakashi flinches minutely, and Pakkun realizes that the not so quiet gossip is directed _at_ Kakashi. About his sire, maybe?

“Ridiculous.” He opines, just as loudly as the gossipers, from his perch on the pup’s shoulder. “Hatakes are descended from _raiju,_ not dogs. Raiju aren’t _tamed_ to begin with, and they’d never turn on _pack_.” He gets a whiff of _surprise/hope_ _(Canine senses will never cease to be odd to him, but they are useful.)_ and a bright/dark flash of _scorch mark/blood/father’s tanto/gone/gone/gone/why_ memory from Kakashi which explains far too much.

_Far, far too much._

“No raiju would _ever_ abandon their pup.” Pakkun gives the gossipers a scathing look, before adding, “Makes one wonder, doesn’t it? Who has something to gain from driving a raiju into a corner and then making it _look_ like suicide? And what would they gain from making someone, who is more loyal than death, out to be a traitor, hm?”

Kakashi’s small shoulders straighten, his chin lifts slightly, and Pakkun is satisfied. At least he can take the burden of _that_ doubt from the pup. He knows the humans will probably dismiss his words as something Kakashi told him to say, but even a spark of uncertainty might help curb the gossip a bit.

~

Pakkun looks at the small jacket with an ugly inverted smiley face caricature on the back and then at Kakashi, who is determinedly keeping his face blank but practically vibrating with eager pride. If the kid actually had a sense of humor, he’d tell him how ugly it is, but… “Looks great, boss. What’s the squiggle for?”

Kakashi practically beams. “It’s the simple way to write my name, so they know we’re pack.”

 _Aha!_ He graciously allows Kakashi to help him put it on, reluctantly impressed when it turns out to fit comfortably. “It’s soft.” He says approvingly.

The pup looks smug.

_Well, that’s fine. Even if he’s doing it for Pakkun, at least he’s consciously putting more soft things in his life and that can only be good for the pup._

~

Pakkun looks at the cat’s hostile posture and puffed up fur that rivals Kakashi’s normal hairstyle, and sighs. “Boss, I think we’d better go around. That cat’s not moving, and I have better things to do with my face than have it used as a scratching post.”

“I can raiton-”

“Boss.” Pakkun sighs again. “You can’t raiton a cat just because it’s protecting its kittens. You might kill it or dry up its milk or something. It’s just a regular mother cat, and its kittens are in there. Besides, use your nose. The pup isn’t here anymore.”

“Oh.” Kakashi sounds embarrassed. “We can go around.”

“Holy shit! Did you just manage to talk Bakashi out of raiton-ing a cat for once!?” Obito exclaims loudly as he and Rin finally catch up, then swoops in and scoops Pakkun up without a by-your-leave. “You’re my new best friend, puppy! Second only to Rin, cuz R-” He breaks off his rapid fire ebullience with a loud yelp, staggering sideways and trying to shake off the cat without dropping Pakkun. Pakkun would have preferred to be dropped, quite honestly. “Ouch! Ow, ow, ow! What the-!? Bakashi, get it off me! Raiton it or something!”

Kakashi folds his arms and gives Obito a judging look. “It’s a just a cat, moron. I’m not going to raiton it just because you scared it into attacking you because it thought you were trying to attack its kittens.”

Obito jerks his head around to stare at him, mouth dropping open in shock, and manages to trip over his own two feet and go sprawling, which at least gets the cat off his arm, though it delivers a well-aimed claw smack to his face before stalking back to its original position in victorious huff.

Pakkun decides that at least he didn’t get landed on, though it was a near thing, because coordinated Obito is not. “Brat, if you don’t let go of me, _I’m_ going to bite you.”

This brings a yelp of betrayed dismay, and a slight laxening of grip, but not freedom. “How come _I_ get ‘brat’, and _he_ gets ‘boss’!?”

He gives the brat a flat stare. “Well, he’s the boss, so he’s ‘Boss’, but I don’t have any explanation for why you’re a brat.”

“Hey!”

Rin intervenes, crouching and gently prying Pakkun from Obito’s grip. “Obito, you know better than to just grab ninken without permission. That’s just rude. And calling him ‘puppy’ is even ruder. You told me yourself that pugs are small dogs, and you _know_ his name is Pakkun.”

“Fine.” Obito sits up sulkily.

“Besides, shouldn’t you be glad that Kakashi-kun has decided to quit raiton-ing cats?” Rin chides, already healing his cheek.

“But- But-”

Kakashi huffs and says in a put-upon tone, “It’s a _civilian_ cat. With _kittens._ What if it _died_ because I raiton-ed it? Its kittens would _starve to death._ I’m not going to be responsible for killing kittens just because you don’t like their kaa-san.”

The brat splutters and flails in indignation.

Pakkun trots over to Kakashi and leaps onto his shoulder, mentally taking back everything he’s ever thought about the pup not having a sense of humor. _Obviously it’s just buried deep._

“Obito! Hold still! I can’t heal you if you’re moving around!” Rin scolds in annoyance. She gives Kakashi and Pakkun a glance. “Why don’t you go ahead? We can catch up, and it’s better if Timi-chan is found sooner than later.”

“Hai.” Kakashi says curtly and takes off in the general direction of where ‘going around’ should come out.

Once they’re out of earshot, Pakkun praises, “That was a good one, Boss.”

“What are you talking about, Pakkun?” Kakashi asks in confusion. “I just told him the truth.”

_Okay, buried very, very deep. Digging it out may take a few years._

“Boss, he thought you were mocking him, by repeating his own words on the subject back to him.” Pakkun explains patiently.

“But I wasn’t- Oh.” There’s a long pause, and they pick up the missing civilian kid’s trail in the meanwhile, before Kakashi asks, “Is it okay to do it on purpose? I didn’t think it was.”

Pakkun abruptly has the urge to bite a lot of adults. _Hard._ “It’s called ‘sarcasm’, pup. You can use it as long as you aren’t hurting people with it. Or if someone is trying to get you to hurt someone or something for stupid reasons.”

“What if they’re hurting me?” Kakashi asks more quietly.

“Seems like a good reason to me. Left or straight, you think?”

“Um.” Kakashi tilts his head, eyeing the trail, then sniffs. “Looks like straight, but left by the smell?”

“Agreed. Keep sharp.”

Kakashi nods. “This is kind of a bad place for a civilian, right? There’s sometimes leftover traps around here.”

“Yeah, boss, that sounds bad.”

Ten minutes later, Pakkun is torn between regretting leaving the kid-friendly brat behind and trying not to laugh because the pup looks like he regrets _all his life choices._ Understandable, since the civilian brat is muddy, snotty, and loudly gleefully as he clutches Pakkun too tightly to his chest and wriggles madly trying to get away from Kakashi, who is carrying _him_. Not to mention the still half-blind pair of kittens clinging to his vest and hitai-ate and mewing at the top of their tiny lungs. _No wonder the mother cat had been hostile, since two of her kittens had already been stolen._

When they run into Obito and Rin, _of course_ the brat starts laughing fit to bust a gut and doesn’t stop even when Kakashi stalks right up to him, shoves the kid into his arms and deftly plucks Pakkun from the too-tight, sticky grasp. _“You_ return the kid. _I_ will return the kittens. Rin, make sure he doesn’t use katon on the kid or something.”

Rin giggles.

“What? Hey, bastard! I’m not going to hurt a kid. Take that back!”

Kakashi goes rigid and pauses mid-step to turn back and look at Obito. “Well, I can’t speak for you, but personally my parents were married when I was born. And if I can’t trust you to not kill a cat after acting like you care so much about cats, how can I trust you with a kid? At least I know Rin won’t let you hurt the kid, because she’d have to heal him afterwards if you did.”

Obito blanches and Rin is looking at Kakashi like she’s never seen him before and isn’t sure she likes what she sees.

“Boss…”

Kakashi turns abruptly towards the cat’s den and Pakkun lets other words die unspoken as he smells the sharp, quiet smell of tears from the pup.

_Well, mission fail on first intentional use of sarcasm, but…well, the brat had kind of deserved it and the pup needs to **know** he’s allowed to defend himself, so he’ll let it slide **this** time._

~

Kakashi knows that Pakkun isn’t happy about what he said to Obito. Of course he does; he’s not _stupid._ Even he knows that what he said about parents was going too far and hurt Obito _(although as far as he knows Obito’s parents were married?)_ , and saying that Obito might katon the kid was just being mean. Most people don’t consider animals as important as humans, after all.

But it isn’t like what he said was _wrong_.

And Pakkun had said that defending himself was an okay use of sarcasm.

The thing is, he really _doesn’t_ know how kids do sarcasm. He’s only ever heard adults do it, and most of them are being mean when they do it. _Maybe he should try copying the way Kushina-san does it? She doesn’t really **like** Kakashi, but that’s not because of his tou-san or anything. And sensei certainly seems to think how she talks is nice._

Well, that’s a problem for later. The kitten on his hitai-ate has somehow managed to migrate to his face mask, so he moves Pakkun to his shoulder and gently tries to pry it off with no success _at all._ Other than to increase the mewing to even more ear-piercing. Finally, now in front of the increasingly agitated mother cat, who looks like she may attack _him_ this time, he gives up and removes the mask, setting it down, kitten and all, before turning his attention to detaching the other mini-fiend stuck to his jacket like a vocal and persistent burr. To his relief, it’s a considerably easier task, and he is able to set it down shortly after.

Quite honestly, he’s surprised to not be attacked, given how loud the mini-fiends are. But he almost falls over in surprise when the mother cat brushes up against him, purring loudly, in between fussing over her kittens _and then_ , instead of dragging her kidnapped kittens into the dubious safety of her den, goes into the den and carries three more kittens _out_ , one at a time. She arranges them on his crumpled face mask, more or less, then looks up at him and meows demandingly.

“Pakkun…? What does she want?” He’s afraid he already knows, though.

“Well, Boss, maybe she thinks since you brought her kittens back that we’re safer to be with than staying in her nest?”

_Yeah, he was afraid of that._

With a sigh, he stoops and hesitantly scoops up the five kittens and his facemask, lifting them when the mother cat makes no protest, and carries them slowly towards his apartment, the mother cat trotting at his side, alternating little purrs and chirps, but overall sounding unworried. Or, well, at least not hostile.

“Hey, Pakkun. Any idea what cats eat?”

Pakkun gives him a droll look. “Do I look like a cat?”

Kakashi sighs. _Looks like he’ll be checking out books on cat food as well as on cat care, then._ It’s beyond him how _he_ now somehow has six cats to take care of, but whatever. He sighs again. _This is going to be expensive, isn’t it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take a moment and imagine Kakashi's expression when he notices that Kushina uses 'pretty boy' a lot to refer to Minato and that _she_ is the model he's chosen to use for his sarcasm.
> 
> Since Kakashi isn't really a cat lover, and the cats can't talk to tell him they object, he eventually gives them names which allow him to refer to them while discouraging visitors:  
> Mother cat: The Bloody ~~clawed~~ Spirit  
> The one that refused to be removed from his mask: The Face ~~mask~~ Stealer  
> The one that clung to his vest: The Wailing Fiend  
> The one that later decides to lair under his bed: The Monster Under the Bed  
> The one that _adores_ small spaces like closets once it's ambulatory: The Thing That Lives in the Closet  
> And last but not least, the one that _insists_ on drinking toilet water instead of out of a water dish: The Toilet Licker  
>  _(Yes, I borrowed spirits from multiple cultural traditions without a lick of shame.)_


End file.
